Asexuality and Polyamory… our story
I just finished writing on this somewhat vulnerable & personal topic that I’ve been wanting to share with you all for a while now... and I’m finally ready to share it here with you today.
Or rather, we’re ready to share it... meaning myself and my partner Keegan who I’m recording an entire podcast episode with about it.💙 (listen to that here because it’s epic & deep & everything you didn’t know you needed to hear).
It’s been a long time coming with many layers, bumps, and unexpected turns... but we’ve gotten to a good (enough) place that we’re ready to share and hope that our story brings a conversation into your own life that is not usually talked about or lesser known of.
Before I share I just want to ask for your grace, understanding, and to put on a lens of curiosity around topics like sex, desire, romantic relationships, and partnership.
Ok, it might be a little messy, and it might take us down some winding roads, but here goes...
Over a year into our relationship, Keegan realized that he is on the asexuality spectrum.
For those of you that don't know what that is, or have heard of it but aren't quite sure...
Asexuality (ace for short) is a sexual orientation in which a person does not feel sexual attraction towards others. It can also mean they are either sex neutral, sex positive, or sex repulsed.
This is not to be confused with aromantic (aro for short), which refers to a lack of romantic attraction. Some ace folks are also aro, but that's not always the case.
In the split attraction model we recognize that sexual & romantic attraction can exist completely separate from one another for some people.
People like Keegan. My partner, my land mate, my best friend, and someone I want to build life, family, and expanded experiences of love and community with.
Over the course of his life he has experienced sex to feel anywhere from something that fosters a tiny bit of curiosity, to okay or neutral, to something that is stressful & annoying, and in rare occasions total repulsion and avoidance.
Before your brain goes off into judgement land, let me stop you there (because yes, I went there at first too and had to rewire).
Being ace does not mean there is something wrong with you. It is not a disease, disorder, or condition to be ‘fixed’ or ‘healed’.
Yes ace people still can want love & relationships, and yes sometimes they can even still have sex with other people ~ for reasons that are entirely their own.
Not to be confused with responsive desire or low libido (read more about what that is here), asexuality is not about arousal, desire, or pleasure. An ace person can have a high or low libido, responsive or spontaneous desire, and in general have anywhere from a very frequent to very infrequent need for sexual stimulation or release.
But for an ace, all of that is not necessarily coupled with sexual attraction. Meaning that the bodies natural expressions of arousal do not elicit a response that includes sexual attraction towards another person.
So an ace person may or may not engage in self pleasure just to meet this need, but it’s not more important than it is the need to sleep or eat or read a good book.
They may or may not also engage in partnered or group pleasure to meet a need, but more out of convenience of that being available, and not because they are actively seeking it out.
I hope I did that description justice. If you are ace yourself and feel I got anything wrong or misrepresented you please feel free to reach out to me and I would love to know.
For privacy’s sake I will not disclose the specific way in which this shows up for Keegan… we are recording the podcast episode about it tomorrow as I write this so what he shares is up to him. <3
The rest of this article is more about our experience as a couple in a relationship where one person is asexual and another person is allosexual (another word for someone who experiences sexual attraction).
Like I said, it’s been a long and winding journey but we have been learning & growing together in decentralizing sex in our relationship so we can create intimacy that does not necessarily involve anything sexual in nature.
We are slowly crafting boundaries and agreements about what to expect in our relationship and how we spend time together that honor us both.
I’d never met, let alone dated, anyone like him before now… and my own world that is largely focused around topics like relationships, sex, intimacy, & the like has had to rapidly shift and expand to include him.
This is my first step of hopefully creating that world around me too.
Once he came out as ace to me, I was finally able to fully understand his WHY for choosing to be in a polyamorous relationship. In fact, it’s a common choice for ace folks because it’s a way they can have the relationships & create the family they desire without having to force their allosexual partner into celibacy or cheating to get their needs met.
Neither of us realized this at first, me being ignorant to asexuality as a whole & him not really having the language yet for his inner experience.
I’d like to tell you realizing all of this was the ticket to our happily ever after and it’s been smooth sailing ever since…
But honestly? This dynamic has challenged me and brought up some of my worst fears, insecurities, and qualities.
I’ve had to look long and hard about what value I put on sex as a measure of a successful relationship, & how I have been outsourcing my self esteem to my sexual partners probably since I started having sex as a teenager.
Phew. That’s some deep shit to unpack my friends.
And I’ve been sitting in it, letting myself see, letting myself hold myself so deeply in all of this, and creating intimacy by sharing my process while doing my best not to make him wrong or blame him for my experience.
It has truly put to the test the process that I often take my clients through of ‘becoming you own best lover’. My self pleasure practice has had to become not just a buff to my relationship (like I was subconsciously still doing) but the very foundation of how I relate to my own sexuality.
Funny enough that I know that this is one of the keys to a happy healthy sex life, but wow has it been put to the test.
I know what you’re probably thinking though… if you guys are poly & you’re a dating coach why haven’t you just found another sexual partner?
Yeah. I know. And I have… over the past 2 years we’ve been dating I’ve had a number of sexual experiences with others that have been wonderful & life giving & helped me feel fully seen as a sexual being again…
But this funny thing has happened for me lately while in this dynamic, healing my own wounds around worthiness & sex.
I have become a hell of a lot more discerning. I’ve spent the past 15 years going after the best sexual experiences I could find and I’ve had a LOT of fun with that.
But being invited in this relationship to uncouple sex from everything else that I want in a relationship… suddenly the clarity on what I actually want has become laser focused and I know I can know longer settle for anything less.
So yeah… I know that a relationship with an allosexual person that wants the same things we do in terms of poly, life, family, community, and commitment will come along in the perfect timing… probably when we least expect it.
But I’m in no rush. I’m grateful for the time I’ve gotten to spend in this uncomfortable space to really look at these wounds & take the time to create a solid foundation with Keegan based on mutual understanding, respect, and love.
Have you ever been in a relationship with an asexual person, or are you asexual yourself?
You can reach out and say hello right over here if you’d like, I’d love to hear your stories. 💜
All the loves,
~Michaela
