Integrity > Success
About a year ago I did something that I knew in my gut was not right, and had to face the reality of whose life I was trying to live.
After 3 years and a lot of love and even more tears, I'm celebrating that I'm now officially certified as a VITA Sex, Love, & Relationship Coach... so this is a celebratory share, but the story I'm sharing here is also embarrassing AF, and yet also about finding the true meaning of generosity and the kind of coach I've become because of it all.
In the spring of 2022 my coaching practice was just starting to bud, and I was feeling like anything was possible. And then, my dad passed away and I just... couldn't do it anymore.
And then? I received an inheritance that I had NO idea was coming. My dad never had money like that. I worked for EVERYTHING I had growing up and every year I'd hear 'money is tight' and 'money doesn't grow on trees' and 'you can't always get what you want'. So an inheritance? What? Me? It came straight out of left field. Or rather, out of my Dziadziu’s plumbing biz that he worked his whole life to build. All that, and there I was, suddenly with more money than I'd ever seen in my life, and utterly lost in it all. And I'll tell you, what they say about people that win the lottery squandering it? I get it. The cocktail of loss and guilt and shame that people died = now you have all this cash? Yup. Never imagined my first $100k would be so. fucking. painful.
I battled with anxiety, depression, and addiction in a way I didn't even know was possible for me.
I had to stop everything. Quit my cafe job, pause with paying clients, ask for a graduation extension, abandon the work, turn my back on all of it, and just do whatever I could to feel okay.
The end of 2022, I finally got help from a REALLY amazing somatic trauma coach, Rachel, who honestly helped me in more ways than I could have imagined.
I gained a sense of stability, and a confidence to start coaching again and pick up where I left off.
By spring of 2023 I had all my coaching hours logged, and then some, and was ready to submit my coaching portfolio. The only thing was, I needed 10 hours with a client outside of my coaching program, and my only only longstanding client that would fit that requirement was a peer. But no one would know, and I would FINALLY be done if I just didn't mention this.
I knew in my gut it was out of integrity, but I had, somewhere along the way, convinced myself that the fact that I was getting paid had to count for something, hell it was the only money I was making that wasn't just handed to me. It HAD to mean something. And I HAD to succeed. I HAD to prove to my lineage that I wasn't just fucking around and I was actually doing something meaningful with my life.
This was compounded by an unyielding sense of urgency that if I didn't do it NOW, I would just be such a huge and total failure, to everyone, but mostly to myself.
Living in my illusion that success at all costs > integrity... I submitted my portfolio. And woke up the next morning feeling like complete and total shit. I knew it was a mistake, but I felt like this was EVERYTHING. So. Much. Fucking. Pressure.
And of course, the universe was looking out for me, because there was a formatting error I had to fix... so I took that as a blessing, an opportunity to pause and really look at what had brought me to this place where I had done something that was directly against my deepest core values.
I was deep in my shit. Everything I thought I knew about success, money, trust, and truly being of service was called into question and examined under a microscope.
Then, I had a curiosity call with my friend and mentor, Dasha, and found myself balling on a zoom call about it all, knowing what i had to do, but absolutely convinced that there was just no way I would find another paid client to go through 10 whole sessions with by the end of the year. I didn't trust myself. I was convinced my first longer term client was just a fluke, so if I didn't 'cheat' then I would never succeed, and I HAD to succeed. There's that pressure again.
She looked at me with all her compassion and was like, 'babe, why don't you just tell them you fucked up & then offer the 10 sessions for free to someone and get it done?'
The telling the truth part, yeah I was on board. But the 10 sessions free part? FREE? Are you kidding me? If I'm not getting paid then does it even fucking count?! It sure as hell wouldn't count to my dad or his dad or the rest of my family that doesn't count anything as worth doing unless you get paid for it.
And there it was folks. The realization that I was running my business, and my life, for everyone in my family except me. So much so that I put a higher value on the dollar than I did in trusting myself, living in integrity, or learning to build trust with others.
I took her advice. And you know what happened after that?
I found my free 10 session client and she was an absolute dream to work with. I got SO much value out of that container and so did she.
Then I booked a longer term paying client, and another, and made my first ever $5k in my biz in 2023, AND resubmitted my portfolio before the end of the year.
My energy opened up, and so did my generosity. I started understanding that coaching is not about certificates, or how fast or slow you get there, or how much you charge, or what what methods you use to tell people about what you do.
It's about being generous with your time, with your wisdom, with your service, and trusting that the universe is always looking out for you. Pay it forward and it will pay you back, somehow, somewhere, in some way... often in ways that are quite unexpected.
That’s when I started offering my first full coaching session for free to anyone that comes into my world and wants my time. I started giving my ALL in my coaching containers. For the group events I held. For the weekly yoga classes I teach. For the friend that just needs to vent. For my partner when he's struggling. For lovers that come through my life. But most of all, for myself.
It doesn't become valuable when you get paid or get some kind of exchange for it. It becomes valuable when you recognize that your soul wants to pour through into your life and the only thing stopping it is this weird system of monetizing or quantifying needs that we, once upon a time, got for free in small villages and tribes.
It's heartbreaking. And it's also possible to break through that system with the power of generosity.
I will live by this till the day I die. Even if I lose everything, or if my biz becomes unsustainable, or if I end up homeless with nothing but a dollar to my name. I'll still give that dollar to someone that would get more value out of it than I would.
So yeah, this is absolutely a celebration share. I guess I did say that, and I meant it. Because these have been some of the hardest years of my life mentally, emotionally, psychologically... and coming out the other side I am SO fucking proud of myself.
Like beyond beyond proud.
Wherever you are, whether it's working toward a new learning or certification, making money, finding your people, building your community, or just remembering that you deserve love and care… I just want you to know this:
There is no amount of money, no level of partnership, no special sexual mastery, no marker of success, no milestone that will EVER determine the value you hold in this world. That value is eternal and infinite. Value in and of itself is a made up concept by a system that none of us would consent to, given the choice. Don't buy into it.
I love you. Thank you for reading my story. Thank you.
All the love,
~Michaela
